but the woman speaking sounded like a female version of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.
It did not work at all.
5am, and I’m wide awake. Usually that would be followed by a lengthy post about how anxious, depressed, and/or angry I am. I’d get into some of my daddy issues, some of my sister issues, some of my me issues and blah blah blah. But right now, I feel completely fine. Just well rested. That never happens. I think it’s got something to do with the fact that I don’t have to go to work for the next twelve days.
I left work last night giddy because of it ( who even uses the word giddy anymore?!) On the ride home, I could physically feel the stress and pressure leaving me and for some reason I found myself thinking of the times I worked at Jesus camp during the summer.
There was a huge lake at the camp and if you woke up early enough and were quiet enough you could walk down there and watch the deer drinking from it. I was always struck by the mist that hovered over lake in the mornings. Sometimes I would get into one of the shitty little boats we had there and float out until I couldn’t see the camp anymore. I’d sit out in the predawn blue, the mist floating up off the surface, curling around me like ghost fingers dragging ghost ribbon through the air. It was great.
I think that if purgatory exists that it might be something like that. Not a dreadful empty place, but a quiet, blue peaceful in between place where nothing is going on, there’s no where to be and there’s no rush to get there. That’s how I felt leaving work yesterday. There’s nothing going on, there’s no where to be and there’s no rush to get there. And for the next twelve days I’d like it to stay that way. My only “goal” for this vacation is to float and let all my stress and crap just kinda roll off of me the way the mist did on those mornings.
I called my boss to tell her I wasn’t coming in. She asked me what was wrong, if I was sick, I could have made something up but I didn’t. I told her I couldn’t stop shaking and I had been up all night and that I just couldn’t do it today. It is days like these where I know I am lucky to work where I do because I’m pretty sure most places would say something along the lines of ” Fuck you, get over it and get your ass in here.”
I just need a minute to sit still. To not listen to screaming hyper children. To not listen to the verbal vomit of my coworkers. To not listen to Raffi and Laurie Berkner. To not have to make small talk with parents. To not have to fight to keep my eyes open. To not wait till noon to eat something. To not have to fight back tears because I need to keep it professional. I’m keeping my phone and TV off for a bit too ( TV might stay off till Project Runway). Some might say that this is what the weekends are for but I think I might just crawl out of my skin if I have to wait another 2 days.
After I got off the phone with my boss I sat outside and watched Venus for a bit. The crickets were still going strong so I let them sing to me. Then Grandpa came to the door and started howling at me because he loves to be outside. I let him sit in my lap and he bugged out over a cardinal he couldn’t catch. All of that, just sitting outside for a minute and focusing on what nature had to offer helped calm me down somewhat. I’m still a little shaky but it’s significantly less than what I woke up to. No xanax needed this time either. Today the day is mine, and even if all I do is sit on the couch it will be perfect.
He’s kinda my bestie
I have been drugging myself to sleep for the last fourteen years. Be it through Benedryl, Ambien, Nyquil, OTC sleeping pills, pain killers, massive amounts of alcohol and in recent years marijuana.
It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I self medicate to sleep, but even though it’s not one of my dirty little secrets, it still bothers me. I wish I could be like Ben and just feel tired, lay down and sleep for ten uninterrupted hours. My problem is on the nights I don’t take anything, I just lay in bed for hours thinking about EVERYTHING.
The issues with my mother,
The issues with my father,
Trying to convince myself that I am not a bad person for NOT wanting a relationship with either parent,
That I’m not a bad person for NOT wanting to find my half sister,
All the people I think I’ve disappointed over the years,
Our financial situation,
Our marriage situation ( or lack there of at the moment),
My bank account,
the kids I worked with in India
the kids I work with at school,
having anxiety attacks about the asshole I work with,
dwelling on my back burner dream of being a published author, and my other back burner dream of going back to college,
worrying about my grandmother’s declining health which then turns into my overwhelming fear of death which then turns into me wondering what’s the point and why am I here? ,
convincing myself that we are going to get evicted from our apartment and have to go back to living in the basement of Ben’s parent’s house,
also continuing to convincing myself that my untreated cavity is going to kill me,
my trust issues,
my abandonment issues which then leads back to my mother which makes this a full circle of cray cray.
I don’t know how to turn my thoughts off, to just put it all down for the night and deal with it later. What’s worse is that these thoughts flow in and out during the day too. I feel like I am in this permanent state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t just relax and be in whatever moment I’m in. I have shared with Ben on more than one occasion that most of the time, in my head I’m 80 years old already, alone and ready to die. Yes I know it’s a bit dramatic and ridiculous and he always responds with ” How do you live in your head like that!?” And I honestly don’t know but somehow I do.
I hate this, and I think I really would be out of my mind if I wasn’t able to use something to knock me out for a while. I just want to be internally quiet for a but I don’t think that’s gonna happen anytime soon.
I know I had a point when I started writing this but I guess I lost it somewhere between thinking about my mother and death…it’s 2am and Ben and the cats are sleeping. I feel bad waking him up and it’s way too late to call someone to talk so Tumblr is all I have tonight. :/