it’s been a bumpy week and im glad it’s over.
been doing a lot of self reflection over the last few days, wondering if i handled my problems appropriately. i think i did. and even if i didn’t it, it doesn’t really matter because it’s already done. Doors closed and new ones opened.
on the plus side, i’ll still get to write the articles, it just won’t be through Soul Pancake anymore.
i’ve got a lot of thoughts on this whole experience that i’m not going to get into because i don’t want to be a dick, (which means i’m probably doing that already) still, i learned a few things because of it and I have a have a clearer idea of where I’d like to see myself in a few years.
it’s time to move on.
you know you’re involved with the right people if they care enough about you to let you know when you are hurting them.
i’m not talking about fighting and bickering and stupid drama, I’m talking about someone taking you gently aside and saying “hey, this thing that your doing, it’s hurting me and I care too much about you and our relationship to let it continue.”
i had this conversation today with a very close, long-time bestie of mine. my head has been up my ass for a while and I don’t always see how what I do or don’t do affects other people. This isn’t an excuse, it’s just what it is. And while the conversation started out a little uncomfortable, I consider myself lucky for having a friend who felt this was a necessary conversation to have. It gave me a clearer look into how things really are as opposed to my perceptions of things, and I’m not beneath saying that maybe I was a bit off in my understanding of the situation.
i think these things need to happen in relationships more often then they do. i don’t know what it is that keeps us from being honest with the people who mean the most to us. are we afraid of the bigger fight that might ensue? Are we afraid of hurting feelings? Or is it because we’re lazy and it’s just easier to “let it go”? The truth is, if you’re coming from a place of love (as opposed to hostility) then nothing bad can come from being honest.
Think about it, do you want to surround yourself with people who will yes you to death and then bitch and stew about it behind your back or would you rather have people who respect and love you enough to let you know when you’re being an unintentional douchebag (my words not hers). I will take the latter every single time because the person who can kindly tell you when you’re being a dick (my words not hers) is the person who wants to see you at your best and it’s the same person who accepts you at your worst. Pretty sure that’s the definition of unconditional love.
But you also have to be willing to hear them and be “ok” enough to admit when you’re in the wrong. I realized there was nothing she said that I could disagree with, and that’s ok. I’m aware of it now, and with awareness comes change.
You want friends who will help you grow.
today was awesome. office ended up closing, ben still had to go in so i spent the morning smoking and cooking. around 10 i heard the door open and ben walked in. awesome. we put on netflix, had an Archer marathon, ate ridiculous potpie for lunch then we both took a nap. i love going to sleep without being obligated to set an alarm. woke up around 6, had dinner and now ben is playing episode 2 of The Wolf Among Us and I’m blasting Spotify in my head because I don’t want to know what happens until I get to play it. It’s snowing/icing again, supposed to keep on until about 6 tomorrow morning. maybe i’ll get another day as good as this one.
We are crapped out on the couch. He’s watching face off (tv show not the movie because I have banished Nicholas Cage from our home) I’m half watching it. I think I could be completely content staying in this spot for the rest of my life. Ben often talks about giving our couch the ability to fly, it can only take off when we and the cats are on it together, blankets and pillows are a must and we can go wherever we want. He’s got the coolest plans for our future.
We had a long talk today about his art and how it saddens me that he isn’t working at it the way he used to.
He explained that when he was working at Frederator, he basically had a full 8 hours dedicated to his art, but after he got laid off and took the first available job (at the preschool I was working at at that time) all that time was gone, and at the end of the day any creative drive he had was sucked out by all those precious little angels.
we agreed to set aside time on the weekend to work on things, I’m hoping this will help to inspire him. It really kills me that he’s put this on the back burner because I know how happy he is when he’s creating shit. That’s not to say he isn’t happy now-he has this wonderful ability to be content and comfortable in almost any circumstance- I just know he misses it.
Every Sunday night I find myself wondering if I’ll ever have more than two days out of the week to live the way I want to.
I hate money and I wish I didn’t need it.
I have off of work for a bit, I had no plans to do much of anything. Today Joe and Erica invited me to join them at the Bronx Zoo, they wanted to take the baby to check out the ice sculptures they’re making over there this week.
Turns out a trip to the zoo was just what I needed to snap me out of this holiday funk I’ve been in. The only downer was that Ben was working today and couldn’t join us, but getting out in the fresh air and hanging out with our friends got my mind off of things and reminded me that things are not bad right now. Maybe to my personal standards they are, but in the bigger picture? No way.
I was going through the photos I took and realized I had a shit ton of other pictures that I never uploaded. After going through all of them, I decided that I’ve actually had a great holiday season and have nothing to complain about.
and yes those photos are coming
I had a wonderful conversation with my Nan yesterday. I try to call her as often as I can. She’s become a bit isolated and lonely now that she’s the last of her childhood family. And it might sound a bit morbid, but I seem to have this pressing need to talk to her and tell her I love her much more than i used to. I need to tell her these things because at some point she’s going to do what all elderly people do, what we all do. She’s going to die.
And she’s waiting for it.
I can hear it in her voice, it’s more slurred and garbled than it used to be and the volume is all gone. It’s often hard to make out what she says. She has to take breaks when speaking sometimes because its hard for her to breathe. She forgets the words for things. It scares me. I know it shouldn’t I know it’s the inevitable result of getting to live but it sucks.
About two years ago my cousins who live in Florida and Georgia came up for a visit because they wanted my Grandmother to meet their children (her great grandchildren). It was a reunion that lasted the whole weekend and we had a great time. Then Sunday came and my cousins started saying goodbye, and they got to my Grandmother and everyone just started crying, we knew it was a permanent goodbye for them.
So I like to talk to her about memories, things we did together when I was younger. I listen to her stories of when she was young too, I like knowing about the life she lived before the Mac Millans came along and before I came along.
Last night she told me about a show she was watching on PBS and one of the actors looked just like her cousin Dewie. He had fought in WWI, she said he had the biggest heart in the world. She told me she watched the entire special because it made her feel like he was in the room with her. Like a ghost, but in a good way.
We talked some more about my sisters wedding which she thinks has turned into a circus (I tend to agree with her) and she told me that her wedding gown had been TWELVE DOLLARS. I know it was probably a decent chunk of change back then, but things would be so much easier now if the prices stayed the same.
I love my Nan, she’s a strong, brave, resilient woman who has lived through a ridiculous amount of history. She raised 5 kids, one with special needs with little to no help from my Grandfather. Not because he wasn’t around but because men just didn’t do that kind of stuff back then. She has loved and lost many times but still manages to laugh and smile. Out of my immediate family I feel like she “gets” me more than anyone.
I wish I could soak her up and keep her with me always.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all– Oscar Wilde
Woke up with the cats howling in my face, sun was just starting to come through the windows. Fed the cats then smoked a little and spent some time sitting on our steps and watched the morning happen. It was quiet and peaceful and I wish I had the time to sit out there every morning.
After Ben woke up we walked up the block to the tiny supermarket (I always swear I’ll never shop there because the whole place smells like fish) and bought a few things for breakfast. I ended up making us egg sandwiches which made Ben very happy.
Spent the rest of the morning writing for the comic, took a nap while Ben went to the dog park with his parents, he came home just as I was waking up and by then it was time for dinner ( I slept for about 4 hours) we ate, went for our evening walk, I wrote a bit more before baking some cookies and vegging out on the couch.
Now Ben is sleeping and I’m trying to rest but that nap kinda screwed me up.
The day may have been pretty mundane and uneventful but I still enjoyed it. Just wish I could do it all again tomorrow :)
There are never enough days to just chill.
I accidentally let a fly into my office this afternoon. My manager found a fly swatter and after several failed attempts to get it, she informed me that I could take over. I very calmly told her that I would not kill it.
” Oh you’re one of those people are you?” She said. I told her I’d rather help it out of the building.
I didn’t think there was a need to kill it because it really wasn’t doing anything harmful. She didn’t press the issue and that fly is probably still bouncing off the walls trying to find an open window or door.
I did not always approach insects this way. If it was creepy and crawly I’d usually scream, kill it or find someone else to kill it or if i was really desperate, i’d suck it up with a vacuum cleaner.
However over the past couple years as I’ve developed what I feel is a better understanding of life and a deeper appreciation for nature, I’ve come to the conclusion that the life within that insect is equal to mine. And I ( and all of us) have the power to snuff out that little piece of life if we wanted to. But why would we want to, if their existence is not a direct threat to our own? That fly or ant or spider or whatever should have the life smashed out of it simply because I may find its existence bothersome? What right do I have?
That my friends, is being irresponsible with the power given you. Can you imagine how empty this world would be if we destroyed everything that bothered us? Then again, maybe we’re already doing that.
I have also found that in retraining myself not to kill these creatures on sight, I’ve developed a bit of a fascination with them. Before scooping them up and putting them back outside, sometimes I’ll just watch them do their thing for a little bit. I know I probably look like a little kid who’s discovered a bug for the first time. But in many ways I have.
I’m going to start referring to May as The Month of Reaping. We’ve had another death in my office, lately I feel like we go to funerals the way some companies go to lunch meetings. I also got news that a friend of the family passed away over the weekend.
Kenny Kovatch. 60 years old and in fine health according to everyone.
He was a cool guy. I remember when i was a kid, going with my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Mark to visit Kenny and his wife in Connecticut. They have a daughter my age and we got along we’ll enough. That was the same trip where the cops came to their house at 2am because we were making too much noise. I remember that night singing Madonna with my Aunt Ginny using wooden spoons as microphones and then jumping in the pool as our grand finale.
Kenny and his wife divorced some time later and after that we didn’t see much of either of them and I hate that this is the reason why I’ll contact his wife again.
I hate this. I’ve said it many times but I’ll say it again and again and again. I hate death. I don’t care about the natural order of things or fucking population control. I don’t give a shit about the afterlife, I want this life. The one where we’re present and awake and aware of what we have and what we are. I don’t want to go back to a non-conscious form of existence and I don’t want anyone else to either.
I don’t want to and you can’t make me.
And I’ve exceeded my funeral quota for the year so you all can stop doing that now.
Been having a lot of anxiety the last few weeks. Reminiscent of how I was last summer. Constantly shaky and nauseous and stuck inside my own toxic thoughts.
It’s no secret that I’m terrified of death and dying and last week that seemed to be the theme. My manager’s husband passed away, my grandmother fell in her sleep for the third time since Easter, this time knocking out some of her teeth and setting her back to the beginning of the physical therapy she had been doing. My other aunt was in the hospital for a lung infection ( not pneumonia) and it freaks me out because I’m watching all the people I love and care about inch closer to the inevitable finish line and it scares the shit out of me. And then watching my manager grieve her husband, I couldn’t help but think about loosing Ben, and that set me off all over again.
Today is also my father’s birthday and in my continual attempts to have as normal a relationship as possible with him, we now have dinner plans with him and Gail. Gail is one of the saving graces about being around my father right now, I like her and she’s a good buffer. The other day I found myself alone with my father and I was so incredibly tense, I don’t know if that will ever change he’s just someone that makes me tighten up and cringe whenever I’m around him. And he still doesn’t understand why.
And then we have Mother’s Day coming up which is always such a celebratory time for me. Except this year instead of staying home by myself and avoiding everyone and their mother ( literally) I’m joining the festivities with Ben’s family. However, his mother is making this difficult as well, it’s not a good holiday for her either and she’s been on the warpath about it since Saturday. I even yelled at her for how shitty she was being, because unlike her son, I was not raised in a Jewish home and so I am immune to Jewish Mother Guilt and I’m not afraid to challenge that nonsense. After seeing her Saturday I found myself thinking that hiding at home with my sadness might still be better than being around that bullshit.
And then I look at all the unnecessary stress I’m putting on myself and I get upset with myself for not taking my own advice of not sweating the small stuff ( and yes in the bigger picture EVERYTHING is small stuff) and just enjoying the moment for what it is.
But I suppose it’s still only Monday morning, the day is young, and so is the week and I can still choose to be ok.
We’ll see how it goes.
Ben’s friend Manny came by to discuss the possibility of making a graphic novel with me. He is probably one of the nicest people I have ever met so far, I learned a lot from him and I have a much better idea of what I need to do writing wise in order for him to translate it properly.
However, I did not fully realize who this person was. I just knew he was a friend of Ben’s who he met when he was working as an animator. He works for Marvel. He was the guy that came up with the Blue Ear. Remember a while back when Marvel was all over the news for creating a deaf superhero for deaf child who needed some inspiration? Manny did that. It may not seem like a big deal to some of you, and maybe it’s just the nerdy comic book girl that I am, but I suddenly felt like such a noob.
And he’s working on a project with me.
Sometimes life gets a little more awesome.
I was helping one of the new women at my job go over some things and she pointed past me and said ” She’s crying.” I look up and see my office manager at her desk sobbing. Without really thinking I went over to her and asked her if she was OK. ” I know you’re not OK ok, ” I said ” but are you going to be alright?”
" No. I’m not ok, I think my husband is dying.". So I rubbed her back and sat with her for a few minutes. She didn’t say a word, and I didn’t offer her any comforting lies. I didn’t think there was a point in telling her ” No, he’s fine” or ” He’ll bounce back any day now!”. I have never been one for inappropriate optimism and I typically want to punch those who are.
Over the summer when my Great Aunt passed away, I expressed sadness over her passing to a friend of mine and the response I got was ” I will not tolerate negativity!” I was so taken aback by that response and I don’t think they even realized what they were saying to me. I think they genuinely thought they were being helpful.
Many times people don’t know how to handle things like this and it makes them uncomfortable. I however am not uncomfortable by other people’s greif and suffering. Not that I enjoy seeing them in that state, on the contrary I feel very badly when I see someone hurting, but it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to be around those “negative” emotions and because of that I tend to be able to be a source of comfort for these people because I’m not trying to stop them from whatever it is that they need to feel.
So often the knee jerk reaction to sadness or greif is to get the person to “look on the bright side.” I think we need to start allowing people to be comfortable with their sadness. To sit with them in it, instead of selfishly trying to brush it away because we’re suddenly uncomfortable by what they are going through.