Talked /Skyped with my cousin tonight, I think it helped both of us, she’s been home sick and I just feel kinda life sick at the moment (is that a thing?) and I was just glad to be stupid with her for 40 minutes.
I need a vacation, or at least a few consecutive days with no plans or obligations. And this is when I feel conflicted about wanting to be around people but also wanting to be left alone.
And that’s another reason why I know Ben is good for me, he’s completely content just being in the same room together, he lets me be quiet when I need to be and then we play videogames.
We got a good thing.
NASA Astronaut Rick Mastracchio aboard the ISS: “Long Island, CT, MA and more.”
Photo credit: Rick Mastracchio/NASA
If you read one thing today, make it Antoine de Saint-Exupéry on how a human smile saved his life during the war
Thinnest ice ever!
My cousin will not be coming home for Easter and I’m genuinely bummed out about that. She’s my other little sister and we’re each other’s life jackets at family gatherings. This usually means we just grab a bunch of beers and hide out on my aunt’s porch.
I talked to her tonight, she’s sad and homesick. she’s not coming home until mid May so we’re gonna skype tomorrow.
Maybe I’ll be sick on Sunday.
But then Ben won’t get his ham. And we know all good Jews love to eat their ham on Easter.
Ben has also asked that I clarify that he is only Jewish in the eyes of his mother.Which reminds me of the time we took Ben to the hospital. They asked me what his religion was and I instinctively said he was an atheist. His mother was not happy about that but his dad said it was the right answer so I win.
I like watching Ben play video games
The Soup is really all I need to know about TV
I hate Long Island
Tomorrow is “casual Friday” so that’s the fucking highlight of my week
Weed is good
I want to color Easter eggs
I stopped using Facebook. It’s been great, except that in doing so I forgot our friend’s birthday.
Which is kinda disgusting.
Still not using Facebook
Can it be Saturday now?
And then, can we skip Sunday?
I sit at a desk all day, why the fuck am I so exhausted?
I miss Mass Effect. I even told Ben I was going start the whole thing over for the third time. I want to get 100% Renegade.
This is why he loves me.
What’s so offensive about wearing a confederate flag? We have Ralph Lauren shirts with American flags on them and no one seems to have a problem with that.– Filed under: Things I have to hear in the morning. I’m just glad I’m not part of this conversation
- Culture is the secret force that connects us as human beings.
- “Delight” and “play” are essential to a fulfilling life.
- Kindness is the best religion.
Pair with Kerouac on kindness as a way of life.(via explore-blog)
Feeling much better even though nothing is resolved. I guess I just decided not to care about it today.
I wish that was my default setting.
Went out for a walk after dinner. It’s gotten much colder again and I found it comforting. Stopped along the way to look at the stars, we couldn’t see many but it was still pretty. I wish we could spend more time upstate in the Catskills or Adirondacks.
The summer my parents divorced, they sent my sister and I with our church to work at the Jesus camp for a while in the Catskills. One of the things I remember doing is walking out into the fields at night with a few of my “camp friends”, laying down in the grass and just looking up for while. It was stunning.
A few years later, I would have my first kiss at that camp too. It was not magical or enjoyable, just awkward. But he was nice and I wanted a boyfriend, so we “dated” for a bit when we found out we lived close to each other, but in the end I just really hated kissing him so I dumped him.
Does that make me shallow?
Day 104: Night walk!
Absolutely fantastic and culturally necessary read on our hidden biases, to which even the best-intentioned of us are susceptible.
I’m bracing myself for Easter, I’m really not in the mood to deal with a large family gathering and I hope that my cousin Lisa comes down from school to be my sanity because I just can’t with this shit right now.
Part of my irritation is because we haven’t had a free, do nothing kind of weekend in a really long time. No one should have to wake up with an alarm clock on a Saturday.
It isn’t natural.
I’m not complaining that we’re all “booked up” I like that we’re busy doing shit and seeing people but sometimes I feel like I can’t say no because it’ll just escalate into some big fucking drama that I don’t want to waste my time on -I’m speaking specifically of my father- so I say yes to things I don’t want to do in order to avoid the larger blow ups and it’s just really fucking draining for me and I need a break that isn’t coming any time soon.
Ben tells me I should just not give a shit and do what’s most comfortable for me, the problem is, none of my options feel comfortable for me. I don’t want to be around him, I hate that I feel that way and I hate that I can’t seem to change that right now.
Is it political if I tell you that if we burn coal, you’re going to warm the atmosphere? Or is that a statement of fact that you’ve made political? It’s a scientific statement. The fact that there are elements of society that have made it political, that’s a whole other thing.– Neil deGrasse Tyson (via socio-logic)
And after all that I missed the eclipse because it was too cloudy out to see it anyway. But at least I’m still my normal sleep deprived self.
Rainy, grey, and windy. Today would have been a good day to stay in bed. Actually, everyday is a good day to stay in bed, if I could figure out how to work directly from there, that would be perfect.
Feeling a bit stressed out and I’m not sure if it’s my own stupid shit or other people’s stupid shit that’s causing it.
Though I guess if it’s other people’s shit, then that would mean that I’m choosing to let it bother me, which means I’ve made it my shit, which is a stupid thing to do and completely unnecessary. Why must I allow other people to effect me so much?
I’ve said many times that Ben has this wonderful (and at times infuriating) way of not letting anything get to him. I think it has a lot to do with his perfected ability to be fully present in the moment.
For example, currently, I’m on the “yes” side of the baby fence, we were talking more about it last night, and he saw that I was getting a little upset over it.
I explained to him that my time to do this is limited and the risks go up the older you are and yes I know it’s not a good time now, but is it ever a good time? And I’ve got my list of pros and cons, which seems to just cancel each other out all the time and blah blah blah, and God Ben why can’t you just tell me yes or no?!
He reminded me that he can’t predict the future and that is why he doesn’t like to make definite yes/no decisions about things that he could feel differently about later on. He pointed out that when we met, he never envisioned getting married to anyone and yet here we are, 7 years later and totally engaged.
His point being, that I’ve already jumped into the future where it is scary and bleak and dissapointing and i’m old and alone and maybe even burried and he’s still sitting at the kitchen table being adorable and is not old, alone or burried. Neither am I, and I keep forgetting this. I’ve gotten better at it, as far as the anxiety and shit goes but my stupidity flares up from time to time, usually when I’m stressing about other shit (like my father) and I go back to old ways of thinking.
Luckily I am marrying a patient man, maybe being with me is life’s way of getting Ben ready to be a dad at some point. If he can deal with all my crying and tantrums and irrational fears, a kid should be no trouble at all.
Though I’m sure right now Ben would still choose cats.