Things have been verrrrrrrrrrrrry slow at work and the rest of the week is looking that way to.
At one point today I got a knot in my stomach because all I kept thinking about was that they’re going to realize there’s no work for me to do, I’m going to get laid off and I’ll either have to go back to working at the school or I won’t be able to find another job and then we’ll get evicted and fall behind on our bills because and I’ll loose my insurance and I’ll get sick and won’t be able to take care of myself and then I’ll die homeless, poor, sick, and unwed.
I had a panic attack all because of one stupid thought that got out of control and brought me to a very depressing end.
I freaked out over a THOUGHT.
A thought about something that hasn’t and most likely WON’T happen.
What happened to breathing?
What happened to being present?
What happened to now?
This bitch needs to calm the fuck down.
I’ve still got a long way to go
Went for a walk on my lunch break. Couldn’t resist stopping to check out the flowers, they remind me of eggs! 😋
In the United States, I have a close friend named Jim Forest. When I first met him eight years ago, he was working with the Catholic Peace Fellowship. Last winter, Jim came to visit. I usually was the dishes after we’ve finished the evening meal, before sitting down and drinking tea with everyone else. One night, Jim asked if he might do the dishes. I said, “Go ahead, but if you wash the dishes you must know the way to wash them.” Jim replied, “Come on, you think I don’t know how to wash the dishes?” I answered, ” There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes.” Jim was delighted and said, “I choose the second way-to wash the dishes to wash the dishes.” From then on, Jim knew how to wash the dishes. I transferred the “responsibility” to him for an entire week.
If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking our cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things. Barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future-and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness
I started reading this book at the library today while waiting for Ben. I think I’m going to pay my fines and finish reading it.
Immigrants Reach Beyond a Legal Barrier for a Reunion
These photos are of Dreamers, children of immigrants without documents for this country, who were brought to the United States and never knew they were “illegal,” reuniting with their deported parents through a border wall in Nogales, Arizona.
If you have any reaction to these photos other than empathy, I don’t really want to know.
Nah I’m angry too
Mad as hell
Cause this shouldn’t be happening
I’ve got angry tears.
In the land of the free…
Change your thinking. Change your body.
How an overweight person thinks: I can’t go out walking. It’s raining.
How a fit person thinks: I love running in the rain. I feel refreshed and I don’t need to carry a water bottle.
An overweight person thinks: I can’t go running the sun is out and it’s too hot.
A fit person thinks: The sun’s out! I’ll get my vitamin D and have a good detoxing sweat.
An overweight person thinks: I can’t walk very far so what’s the use?
A fit person thinks: I’ve only got fifteen minutes free this afternoon but I can fit in a quick walk to clear my head.
Photo: afternoon storm coming in as seen from a bedroom at Camp Biche. June 16, 2013.
I enjoy this blog but I have a real problem with this post, I am overweight and I love moving outdoors on a beautiful sunny day. Rain doesn’t bother me either.
I think the OP and most people in our weight obsessed society lump overweight and laziness together and it’s not always true.
Generalizations are never good folks.
I will never stop being amazed by how Ben makes me feel. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he is like a breath of fresh air for the soul.
He’s my permanent “safe” place. It’s not that he rids me of the stress, anxiety or depression nor does he try to but he helps me to remember that I can still have room for the nicer feelings too.
I feel genuinely better when he’s around. It’s not that I think I wouldn’t be ok on my own, but it’s easier to know I’m good when he’s here.
Morning went relatively fast, I’m not dwelling on the events of the weekend but I am very tired as a result. Kinda like the way you feel after you’ve had a good long cry. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and my heart hurts. But I’m still ok and I know I’ll feel more ok as the week progresses.
I’m just looking forward to going home and curling up with Ben, the cats and a blanket.
Don’t think peace of mind only comes once you’ve fixed up all your problems and finished all your business. All your worrying, all your striving and struggling, has it ever got you where you really wanted to be? You can’t control the world and change it the way you would like it. Therefore, you can only find peace of mind and achieve the meaning of life by embracing the imperfections of life. How do you do that? By knowing that imperfection is the nature of the world. So make peace with imperfection.
I think I needed to prove to myself that I was stronger than him. That I could be in his presence and not carry it with me once I removed myself from him. That he did not have the power to dictate my emotional state. I needed to know that I my good side was stronger than my bad side.
Because what I wanted to do was to tell him to go fuck himself
And what I wanted to do was stay home, get stoned and forget him.
And change my phone number and go back to the way things were when I told him not to contact me.
But the reality is that none of that would have helped me to feel any better (except for maybe the getting stoned part). For the years I wasn’t speaking to my father I was still as anxious, angry, depressed and stressed out as I’ve always been.
This is no longer an acceptable solution.
The solution is me.
I will never be able to change what was and my father will always be the pathetic stunted child that he is. He is incapable of making things right.
I can either focus on this and let my rage boil and my anxiety grow or I can accept all of this for what it is and accept him for who he is, wash my hands of it and move on.
I went to his house because I’m trying to move on.
And I really wish I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow because I’m fucking drained.
Ben made the mistake of letting my sister touch his phone
Waiting for the show to start
I needed to unwind by nine this morning. The knot in my chest has not gone away but it’s more of a back burner feeling right now. Talked to Ben some more, still felt not right so I sat outside to shut it up for a minute.
I find that this is becoming more and more helpful. Usually I handle the stress and anxiety by walking it off, but the last two weeks I’ve decided to sit with it instead. Not to dwell on it but to just be with it. This is when I allow myself to focus on the environment. To be quiet and listen to what’s going on now and not what my memories and emotions want to keep bringing up.
After a while I felt internally quiet, and once that happened I started noticing how loud the birds were, and that there were at least six different calls going on at once and i got a little mesmerized by it and I was reminded of how this awesome natural occurrence happens every morning and I’m so preoccupied with my own shit that I usually miss it. I like being an audience for the birds.
It lasted for about a half hour and even though the anxiety is still firmly in place I feel like I have some breathing room.
Then I talked to Erica about it and when I really listened to what I was saying I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong at all. I gave my father an opportunity to have some dialogue about what’s been going on and he wasted it by being who he is.
I should not have expected anything more or less from him.