Watching parks and rec and I noticed I have one of Donna’s cardigans
I also remembered I still need to watch last week’s episode of Game of Thrones but I can’t concentrate on it right now
I bought some crap off of Haute Look and they sent me some Suave samples for a leave in conditioner they’re coming out with. I used it today and I’m not noticing any difference from the regular stuff I use. Smells pretty good though.
I wish Ben would stop going to bed at a decent hour and sit on the couch with me and watch mind numbing television.
I put in for a personal day. I took the Friday going into Memorial Day weekend. My office is closed on Monday so I’ll get a four day weekend out of it. I really need it and I would have taken it sooner but it’s not a good idea right now.
I was hired to kinda be the “sub” for a few of the departments, one of my co-workers is on a temporary leave. I’ve been filling in for her when needed and I don’t feel right about taking off when we’re already one person short. Though I consider doing so every morning. How juvenile is that? 30 years old and I still want to be a slacker.
So I figured I’d wait for her to come back, which is sometime mid-May. I’m hoping Ben can take the day off too and then we can go do something fun and/or stupid.
I need to win the fucking lotto.
i’ve had absolutely no motivation to work on anything (as far as my personal projects go). I told myself I was going to make time to write some shit out today, even if I didn’t feel like it. I wanted to get an article done and make a dent in the comic. I have been sitting here for a fucking hour and have managed to get eleven sentences out of my brain and I’m not even sure if I like them. I’m frustrated, but on the brighter side (bullshit) it’s still eleven sentences I didn’t have before.
On the way home from work, Ben told me he had something “romantical and childish” planned for Sunday and that it was something I had never done before. My first guess was pony rides (yes I called them ponies because he said it was childish, though it was a stupid guess because I’ve totally ridden ponies before), he said it wasn’t but it was “close”. So then I decided we were going to ride alpacas or llamas. No to that too. And then I realized he was taking me to see the Nunley’s carousel, it’s a historical attraction here on Long Island (apparently Billy Joel even titled a goddamn song after it) that I had never heard of until I met Ben, which apparently is a sin. He loves it and I think it’ll be cool to check out. I love when he does stuff like this.
We checked out Mortified Nation on Netflix. It’s a documentary following around a bunch of people who get up on stage and read their middle and high school diaries out loud. It’s absolutely as funny as you think it is-unless this doesn’t sound funny to you and in that case I think you might be dead. So yeah, check that out.
Oh look more sentences.
Got to work and realized my shirt was on inside out.
Gonna be one of those days
Day 111: Goodmorning!
Today has felt painfully long. Even now, we’re trying to stay up for Amy Schumer’s show. It’s on at 10:30. It’s currently 9:45 but I feel like it’s midnight and the thought of having to wait another 45 minutes is only making me more tired.
This morning, I sat down at my desk, glad to be busy and ready for lunch, looked at the clock, assuming it would tell me I had ten minutes till break. It read 9:38. For a split second, I almost cried.
It’s been like this all fucking day. I even thought it was Wednesday several times.
Ben has also given up and gone to bed.
It’s currently 9:59.
Took a walk on my break, it was much needed. Not thrilled that it’s warming up but there’s no denying that things look very pretty this time of year.
Trying to remember to not be so hard on myself and also trying to remember not to be so hard on others. Both are surprisingly difficult to do.
I find I’m either angry with others for not meeting my expectations or I’m angry with myself for not meeting my own expectations. I suppose the solution to that would be to have no expectations at all but, again, this is surprisingly difficult to do.
Or is it?
Expectations are just hopeful predictions of what you’d like the future to be right? So, if you’re fully immersed and focused on the present moment, there is no future to have an expectation for and nothing to be disappointed by when the future merges with the present.
Does this make sense? I’m not sure if it does, just kinda thinking (or tumblring) out loud here
I’m wondering if “mindfulness” is really the key to removing, or, at the very least minimizing things like stress, anxiety, drama and/or general life problems or is it more of a philosophy that distracts and numbs you from the realities of your experiences?
Is true “mindfulness” supposed to remove these things or is it more about making these things more “tolerable” by accepting things as they are, problems and all, not resisting and just letting events and emotions happen and pass as they will?
I’m concerned I’m learning a watered down version of what meditation and mindfulness is supposed to be and I don’t want to find myself in the shallow end of the pool where everyone is chanting their feel good mantras and reading The Secret.
Day 109: blankets, couch, cat, TV
Feeling better than I did this morning, the overwhelming need to murder is gone.
Talked to Jen, hugged Ben, took a shower and things just kinda felt better and not as ragey.
Looking forward to a quiet night on the couch, maybe I’ll even go to bed when I’m supposed to :)
Try not to compromise. So many people don’t do what they really want in their hearts because they feel like they’re not good enough, or they’re not smart enough, or they’re not talented enough… anything. And that doesn’t matter. In order for you to live a remarkable life — in order for you to live a life that is fulfilling — you need to be able to go after what you want. And if you don’t, you’re not going to achieve it — ever.– On Humble Pied, Debbie Millman shares three pieces of wisdom to guide the way to a remarkable life. Dive deeper with her timelessly wonderful illustrated-essay-turned-commencement-address on courage and the creative life. (via explore-blog)
Predictably, it wasn’t as bad as I was hyping it up to be. And once again, I wasted a lot of time, energy and sanity completely freaking out.
For the most part, my father left me alone, and the minimal conversation we had was normal, I made sure Ben was always nearby and I simply walked away when I had had enough.
After dinner I sat outside by the fire with my Aunt Cathy. She brought up the wedding and told me she had been waiting for me to ask her about having it at her house. Her home has always been my “dream venue” because of the sentimental value it has. Ben and I also prefer a “quieter” type of celebration, and her backyard would be perfect for it
I just never bothered asking because I worried they’d end up working the wedding instead of being apart of it. But now that she’s brought it up, I’m thinking this might be the way to go. She told me to get some ideas down and we’d talk soon, I’m hoping we can work something out.
We hung around for a while after dessert, the crowd dwindled down till it was just 9 of us smoking and drinking by the fire talking about nothing and listening to Jackson Browne
I had just started to relax when Ben said he was ready to go.
I hate when that happens.
Good morning! While hunting Easter eggs this morning the crew of the Space Station found a big one, full of goodies.
Like clockwork. Whenever Ben goes to bed, she decides my face is the comfiest spot in the house
My father called me today, I almost didn’t pick up, but during that split second between rings I found myself thinking that I can’t expect things to change if I keep behaving like it’s however many years ago. So I took a big girl breath and talked to my father for 20 minutes.
It wasn’t terrible. He was really just checking in (like a normal parent). I know he’s trying, I hope he knows I am too.
Even though it was a harmless conversation it did rattle me a bit and I was kinda on edge for most of the day. I wanted to cancel our plans but it was my friend Andrea’s birthday, I haven’t seen her since February and we already (unintentionally) forgot her husband’s birthday a few days ago. I figured canceling would just make me an even bigger asshole than I already am. And sometimes the best thing for me to do when the anxiety is heightened is to push through it and carry on.
My game face must have been terrible though because she knew something was “wrong” immediately, I ran through a bunch of excuses in my head and then just figured fuck it, so I told her I was having an anxiety issue and it was making me not want to be around anyone but I didn’t want to bail on her birthday so let’s not talk about it anymore and just go shopping ok?
So we shopped for a bit and then went back to her house. there was also beer and beer always helps. Joe and Erica stopped by later on and then there was Ben playing with the baby again and being the best non-dad ever and it really turned out to be a pretty pleasant day.
I still think I’d rather stay home tomorrow though.
My friends come in all sizes!