Day 196: Last weekend’s adventure with my guy.
TBT: Ant and beetle hiding from the rain
also… my sister is not back from her honeymoon yet.
my father is just very confused.
"She was filled with regret before she died. She felt like she’d failed us as a mother tremendously."
"Did she say something to you about it?"
"She never said anything, so I don’t have any tangible proof that she had regrets. But she had a very bad substance abuse problem. And I know she always wanted to be a good mother. So I separate my mom from her disease. I always imagine that my mom and an alcoholic were living in the same body. And I know that my mom loved us. And that she hated the alcoholic."
We do not ask for what useful purpose the birds do sing, for song is their pleasure since they were created for singing. Similarly, we ought not to ask why the human mind troubles to fathom the secrets of the heavens. The diversity of the phenomena of nature is so great and the treasures hidden in the heavens so rich precisely in order that the human mind shall never be lacking in fresh nourishment.– Johannes Kepler, quoted in this program on exoplanets and the cosmos with research astronomer Natalie Batalha. (via beingblog)
These Cats Tried So Hard But Failed Epically. Think these are bad, check out the others…
Had a dinner date with Jen. She had wanted to take me out for my birthday which was really sweet. There’s this sushi place by her house that we like to go to, their food is fucking delicious and it was exactly what I needed.
Talked about dumb stuff and life stuff, got into what’s been eating at me. she offered her perspective on things and at one point it occurred to me that I’m focusing on the wrong priorities.
I felt better.
Got home and now we’re just chillin with cats and video games. We were going to take a walk but it looks like rain is on the way. Also, when I typed in “way” it wanted to autocorrect to “waaaaaaay”
I’m kinda proud about that.
2 more days to go.
I love when I get home and it feels like I have an entire day left and work is a thousand hours away and even when I’m doing nothing it doesn’t feel like I’m wasting time.
Slow cooking at 2am was a good idea though Ben was a bit disoriented this morning when he woke up to a dinner smell at breakfast time.
My sister is home from her honeymoon, I want to hear about her trip but I also know it’s going to be a conversation that lasts several hours and I don’t have the energy for it right now. Maybe I’ll save it for my birthday.
And of course, now that I feel like I have an entire day ahead of me, I’m going to attempt to get a human amount of sleep tonight.
Waiting for Ben, he should be here soon. Still feeling drained, what I need is an extended break. Not an extra day or even a weekend but some significant time off. I’ll add it to my list of “no”.
My father called me yesterday, I didn’t have the energy to have any sort of conversation at that point but pushed myself to call him back today because it would only make things worse if I ignored it for too long.
It wasn’t a bad conversation, just not something I was interested in doing. He said he felt like he hadn’t spoken to me in a “very long” time and he was getting sad about it. I reminded him that we spoke on Father’s Day (which I guess could seem like a long time but I’m cool with it) and I told him I just generally don’t like talking to anyone period (true 50% of the time)
I assured him all was fine, there were no major happenings going on and I didn’t have all that much to say. And then he started on about how my sister and I are “such big parts” of his life and it depressed him knowing I talk more to my grandmother than I do him.
Yes I held my tongue. I told him I was sorry he was bummed out and (god help me) I told him he could call any time (I might not answer but sure go ahead) and the entire time this conversation was going on I was very aware of the parent/child role reversal going on.
He asked about the articles I’ve been writing and told me to send him a link. I told him there was at least one piece he wasn’t going to like.
"Why? Is it about how fucked up I was with you girls?" (Holy shit a split second moment of clarity??)
"No dad, that’s for when I’m famous."
He kinda got quiet after that.
Fine with me.
So after that little bit of awkwardness he told me not to be a stranger, I told him I wouldn’t but I think we both know I’m full of shit.
I’m awake, might as well be productive. You’re welcome Ben
Started working on shit and lost track of time, I think I was making up for days spent being a depressed idiot (I’m still depressed but I’m trying to be less of an idiot) and it’s 1:30 and I’m wide awake. Is it possible that reading and writing is a caffeine substitute?
I’m also craving frozen pizza.
"…DO NOT LEAVE BOOKS ON THE GROUND"
On break, waiting for Ben to call. It’s gorgeous out. Doesn’t feel like July at all and I’m pretty happy about it. Might even walk to the library instead of getting a ride there. We’ll see.
Talked to Jen for a bit, she’s taking me out to dinner on Wednesday for my birthday, looking forward to it, she and I haven’t gone out in a while, should be fun.
Don and Andrea are putting together a little BBQ for me this weekend as well which was very sweet. Still not sure if we’re having people over next weekend, I keep going back and forth between wanting to see everyone and wanting to go back into my cave. But we have movies and Cards Against Humanity, how can you have a bad time with that? Plus if my sister comes I won’t have to worry about socializing because she’ll be able to talk enough for the both of us :)
I’m working on not allowing other people’s problems to “trigger” my own. It’s not going well, but I think it’s only because I’ve just recently figured out what was going on.
I always try to be a “listening ear” for anyone who needs to talk and get shit off their chest, but I never anticipated revisiting my own shit as a result. I don’t want to be a dick and say “you can’t talk to me about this shit” but on the other hand, YOU CANT TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS SHIT.
And then I start thinking that maybe I’m being a bit self absorbed? Why the fuck does anyone need to take my own personal “traumas” into account for anything? Why can’t I just say “this has nothing to do with me so don’t open this up”.
I guess it’s because sometimes it just opens up on it’s own.
Still it would be helpful if we (myself included) could all be mindful of who our audience is.
Or maybe I’m just being an oversensitive bitch, who the fuck knows.
4 & 1/2 hours to go.